The Poisonous Parasite
January 31, 2008 10:23 AM
Are you struggling at work, to deal with a colleague or co-worker, who constantly talks you down, flaunts your authority and generally behaves towards you in a volatile, manipulative and toxic manner?
Welcome to the World of the 'Poisonous Parasite'; something which is sadly alive and kicking in almost every workplace you'd care to mention and has done so since the workplace was invented.
To deal with the poisonous parasite, you first have to understand what it is and where it lurks, before you can even begin to deal with it.
Dealing with it, requires you to immunize yourself from its destructive effects and then exorcise it from your immediate environment. What you cannot do is to turn it into a benign or even benevolent bug, because it feeds by poisoning and destroying its host before moving on to a new victim.
First and foremost, you must not allow a poisonous parasite to see, sense or feel that their attitude and behaviour towards you is having any effect at all. It's hard, I know, because to instantly develop a cloak of insensitivity does not come naturally to most of us.
Nevertheless, that's what you have to do. Treat whatever they say to you as though it's inconsequential or irrelevant, which it probably will be, for the most part. Tell them (don't ask them) to put anything in writing, that they believe to be important.
At the same time, always make sure that you follow up any verbal instructions or discussions, in writing. That way, there's a record of it, to support any disciplinary action, should that be required at a later stage.
Never get embroiled in any email or written tit-for-tat.
Always ensure that you make them responsible for finding you and not vice versa.
Always tell them (never ask them), to put any comments or observations they might want to make about your behaviour or management style, in writing. When they want to meet with you, make them attend either first thing in the morning or last thing at night, depending on whether you're a morning or evening person.
Never discuss or gossip about their behaviour with anyone else in the office and keep a short written record of any and all dysfunctional behaviour which relates to the productivity and wellbeing of you, your colleagues or your team.
Poisonous Parasites are always looking for an angle; something to feed off. Give them nothing. A common strategy is often a crude attempt to goad you or make you look foolish in front of colleagues or your boss. Be aware of this strategy and don't rise to the bait. Meetings and social occasions are also rich hunting ground for the offhand remark or the spiteful repost, so be ready for them. They're looking to pick a fight, so give them nothing to feed off. A slight shrug, coupled with an 'Uh-Huh' or a 'Yup, you're probably right', will give them nowhere to go.
Be polite; be proper; be professional and be courteous at all times.
Trust me, you will eventually bore them into either finding another 'victim' they can feed off, or they will just become more and more angry and frustrated that they're getting no response from you that they will slip up and do something terminally foolish.
Remember, Poisonous Parasites are always on the look-out for potential victims. If they've honed in you, it's because they think you're an easy target; and whilst they've got you in their sights, all your other peers and colleagues are going to be looking at you to see how you're going to handle it.
However, don't become lulled into believing that anyone else is going to do anything about it. They are not. They are just pleased that they are not a current target.
The solution lies with you, because, guess what? If you allow yourself to become a victim here, you'll end up a victim wherever you go and whatever you do, because working life everywhere is filled with poisonous parasites.
Comments
What's up - are you being picked on?
Charles Broom - February 7, 2008 5:01 PM
Hardly. This is merely an example of some typical workplace behaviour I seem to be encountering more and more in almost every organisation I go into. Doesn't this ring any bells with you; or are you fortunate enough never to have yet encountered this, during your working career to date ?
Charlie - February 7, 2008 5:35 PM
This happened to me and the paradite was the MD!! what a disgrace!! and you are quite right no one comes to your rescue because they are relieved that it is not them who is the victim
Jackie - February 12, 2008 10:13 AM
Good article, I've come across many people such as this over the years. Sometimes they are insecure. Sometimes they believe they have to knock people down to get up. Either way, now I'm an employer as opposed to an employee. I handle these individuals quickly. Confront the issue in an open manner explain the companies Ethos on teamwork. Then if there isn't a way to help them dismiss them quickly. These people cause chaos and good people are hard to find and there is no way I'm allowing valuable team members to suffer because of inaction by the company.
James - February 12, 2008 12:06 PM
Charlie, thank you very much for your post. I found it extremely useful and wish that I had read it some months ago.
I worked on the new Terminal 5 project as a data networking engineer and suffered enormously because of one of the Parasites that you described. He bullied me remorselessly and finally I gave up and handed in my notice.
I'm now out of work now and am finding it quite difficult to find employment.
Daren - February 13, 2008 3:24 PM
Thank you, Jackie, James and Darren, for your contributions. For a while there, I had an awful feeling that I might have been in a club of one !
Charlie - February 13, 2008 3:58 PM
I don't usually respond to these but your article was very interesting and I was certainly intrigued by CB's response - did you touch a bit of a nerve with him??
Therisa - February 19, 2008 5:33 PM
Who knows Therisa. I never heard back from CB. He may have been attempting to inject some levity into what is a very serious subject, as the experience posted by Darren will bear testimony.
In any case, I'm delighted that you felt sufficiently interested, intrigued and perhaps even inspired, to write a post. Thank you.
Charlie - February 19, 2008 6:00 PM
I faced a parasite myself, and had to endure the damaging impact of the bloodsucking efficiency at which he went about his bullying and tarnishing. No action was taken even by superiors!
Gomez - February 20, 2008 12:57 PM
I have just become victim of my business manager's poisonous parasitic ways, I have worked there for 4 years, she comes along 4 months ago and turns everything upside down,(she knows the bosses and she can do no wrong). I spoke out and amazingly have just been made redundant, I am not the only one, there are 4 of us who don't get on with her. When will the management realise what she is doing is killing the contract. I know some say wherever you go there is somebody that must enjoy upsetting others, so true this is !
vicki - February 21, 2008 9:20 PM
Vicki
You may have a case here for something called 'constructive dismissal'. Take yourself down to the local Citizens Advice Bureau and speak to one of their solicitors about the circumstances of your dismissal, after 4 years service. At the very least, you may be eligible for some kind of compensation via an Industrial Tribunal.
Charlie - February 22, 2008 8:55 AM
I agree totally, don't let the parasites get the better of you, eventually they will move on to some one else.
Be the bigger person, it really works. It's tough at first but as long as you remain consistant they will leave you alone.
Suzanne - March 6, 2008 10:49 AM
I have been subjected to this parasitic behaviour for more than a year now from two individuals at my work place. I keep myself to myself & do not react; they then turn up the heat by being more personally abusive towards me & involve others in their victimisation game. Managers do not always see it your way, especially if you defend yourself. The parasite may go away for a short while but they resurface again, even after you have lodged a formal complaint. I am now forced to move on but in doing so I have discovered there's so many new things I can be doing career wise.
Lee - March 20, 2008 4:42 AM
I have been spoken too in a very unprofessional and rude manner by a parasite which resulted in not obeying to his commands. As the parasite complained about this to management I was given a dressing down and I responded that as a company they had a duty to protect me from any abuse, I was told that they could protect me from other members of staff but if it was from a customer I had to grit my teeth and do what ever they ask of us. I wasn't prepared to be talked to like that by ANYONE why should I put up with it. Do you think I should role over to keep my job I should I stand my ground!!!
Kimberly - March 20, 2008 11:03 AM
Kimberly
You are legally protected at work from abuse, wherever it may come from; organisations have a duty of care to their employees, and are treated harshly by the courts and tribunals, when they are seen to abuse that care. You are not obliged to endure abuse from customers, bullying from managers or parasitic behaviour from peers and colleagues. Take yourself down to your local Citizens Advice Bureau first before you do anything else; unless that is, you happen to have a halfway competent HR or personnel manager working for your organisation, who you'd feel comfortable talking to.
Charlie - March 25, 2008 11:07 AM
Charlie! I have not been around in ages but reading your blog again reminds me of how much I enjoyed your posts (flattery gets me nowhere... I know I know)
Bullies never change, they always tend to pick on people they assume are weaker (or mild mannered), although I don't think all bullies are loud and obnoxious. What really interest's me is how many people are currently being bullied without even knowing it?
There is this type of bully that is almost very kindly, I always imagine them patting you on the head and saying something like 'There, there, let me handle this, we all know you are incompetent. I think these types of bullies are more like control freaks where they don't think anyone could perform task's as well as them so after delegating work they will continuously 'assist' in completing the task. The end result being that they complete the task that they have delegated to someone else.
Over a period of time I feel that this is something that can seriously erode one's confidence in their capabilities.
How I see it is that the normal parasitic bully usually only has one or two targets who's misery makes the bully feel better about themselves. The nice bully on the other hand generally treats everyone around them in the same way and I doubt they know how their actions affect those around them.
As always your article gave me something to think about :>) Thank you.
Bianca - April 4, 2008 12:13 PM
Thank you for your kind comments Bianca. It's good to hear from you again. I figured that you'd gone AWOL for a spell as you're usually such a consistent contributor. I wouldn't necessarily define the person you describe as a bully; they're more of a retentive controller and their negative nurturing shows some of the traits of the nurturing parent characteristic defined in Transactional Analysis. However, the overriding characteristic is one of control. Control through fear; control through intimidation; control through domination. It's a form of teaching that is often adopted by those who find relationships challenging and threatening, whereas those who are at ease forming and nurturing relationships, tend to create an environment of mutual trust and shared learning. Have a guess which approach works best in the workplace.
Charlie - April 4, 2008 7:50 PM
Hi !
Yeah, you are right! There are so many poisonous parasites even here in Asia, too cruel enough that they would really make you feel like you are the target and they would want to make one feel so bad throughout the day, so one will not accomplish anything .But then, your ideas really surprise me, because to remain polite and courteous really in front of parasites could be very difficult ,but it really is so essential to maintain one's composure in the workplace.
Thanks for the great ideas you have shared.
Che - Manila
Che - April 8, 2008 4:10 PM
I came across these blogs by accident, after I completed a Jobsite survey and thought that I'd mention what happened to me throughout the three jobs that I've had so far.
I was bullied in all three jobs, usually because of a personality clash I had with just one person (which is one too many for each job). I usually get on with most people, but there's always someone that you don't and they're usually like that towards everyone (some of them were management). I've suffered from depression after the way I left my second job after twelve years' service, which was six years ago. I'm still not OK now.
I've been struggling to find a job and career that's suitable for me and my personality and I'm somewhat dictated to apply for jobs that I have experience in (because it's all about experience these days, with no scope for on the job training) and they're few and far between. I don't want a job with direct contact with the public, whether by telephone or face to face, as I'm not good at dealing with people and this severely limits what's available. Not only that, I don't want to risk being bullied again (I had more than enough of it at school as well and the effects never leave you).
Sorry about my comment being so long-winded. If anyone wants to respond (or can help me find something that might be suitable), then please do get in touch.
David Papierowski - July 16, 2008 4:44 PM
I currently have a manager who is, I feel, a bully. She does nothing overt, but makes continual snide comments. Despite a good appraisal with her a few months ago, I continually feel that I am somehow falling short of her expectations due to her constant disapproving manner. I have requested feedback/constructive criticism several times but have been fobbed off. Over the past few months I have become increasingly unhappy and now am having trouble sleeping.
I have spoken to our excellent HR lady who has been very supportive. I now have to insist that my manager meets me to discuss these issues. I am worried that this may make things worse. Any advice?
Lucy - July 18, 2008 12:40 PM
David
A big part of work culture is one person exerting control over another. I don't say authority, because that's different. Peer to peer control is ingrained within the human instinct, whether at home, at play or in the workplace.
Being in any of those environments requires you to engage with People. However, how you choose to engage with People is your choice and yours alone. There's no set way or fixed formula, because all of us are different.
You may be introverted and happier on your own, and that's fine. However, in the workplace, you are obliged to engage and deal with other people. It's what being the workplace is all about. It's very much like a playground filled with children. Children who conform with others often go unnoticed; those who don't are often isolated and vilified for being different. But being different is what makes all of us characterful, and it's how you deal with that, which determines how successfully you cope in the workplace.
It's OK to tell your colleagues that you're a quiet, undemonstrable, studious, introvert, who most likely won't be getting lathered up in the Pub on friday evenings. That doesn't mean you have any more or less important part to play in the organisation culture.
The workplace is just like the playground. They won't make the effort to understand you, but that doesn't mean you don't have to make the effort to underdstand them. At least when you do, you'll be able to take greater control of what happens around you than perhaps you are at the moment.
Charles Helliwell - July 30, 2008 11:17 AM
Lucy
Just remember that HR are there primarily to deal with processes. They are not behavioural consultants, coaches, counsellors or mentors. Confronting your manager formally, under the authority of HR, takes your dilemma to a different dimension and will put your manager under threat. This is probably not going to work for you, as threatened people often lash out at the nearest and easiest target.
You are far better taking this 'off-line'. Ask your manager to meet you away from the office, informally. Talk to her about her own knowledge and expertise and ask her how you might adapt your style of learning to extract more of what she wants. Create the impression that you are concerned that perhaps you are not getting the most out of her and that in order to perform better, you want to understand how best to do this.
Your manager may not have had any formal management training and that will make her feel vulnerable. Perhaps that's why she is unable to give you constructive advice and feedback. Try to understand better her shortcomings and vulnerablities. She may see you as a threat to her position.
Only when you have explored all these options will you be better placed to assess whether this is an inexperienced, vulnerable and threatened manager, or a truly nasty, vindictive and poisonous parasite.
In the meantime, don't forget to tell HR that you are taking this 'off-line' and that you'll brief them on the outcome of that discussion.
Charles Helliwell - July 30, 2008 11:33 AM